What Your Carry-Gun Says About You – Classic Edition

The previous instalment of which firearm personality type indicator applies to you was well received. So well received in fact, that people demanded a sequel that deals with the more classic, cultivated firearms that are still commonly carried today. So here, just in time for the long weekend and National Braai Day, I present to you the second coming! Oh, and don’t take these too seriously…I may own one of these myself very soon.

Browning Hi-Power – You are either a World War II veteran, or a Rhodesian refugee who keeps telling anyone within earshot about “when we learned to shoot in the RLI”. You sneer at Colt 1911-carriers as old fogies from a forgotten era who miserably fail to appreciate magazine capacity. Your favourite home appliance is your VCR made by JVC, and you faithfully program it to tape the rugby (or Noot-vir-Noot) every Saturday. Your car is a Ford Cortina which you service yourself, and it has so many kilometres on the clock you got it to roll over to zero. Again. You have a shrine dedicated to John Moses Browning, complete with incense and candles, in your bedroom. You have been wearing the same chequered shirt for the last 20 years. You probably smoke a pipe containing Boxer tobacco. You are a compulsive hoarder and never throw anything away. Only your Boerboel really understands you. Your favourite music is Ralph McTell.

Colt 1911 – You believe that handguns have stopping power, and that the caliber debate was settled once and for all in 1911. You ridicule the notion of magazine capacity, partly because you struggle to keep the gun working for more than three shots in a row, and partly because you cannot afford to feed it. You drive a Land Rover because a Jeep is too reliable. You see Browning HP owners as petulant little children, and people who carry polymer handguns are some sort of subspecies, even though you secretly lust after M&P in .45ACP. You have recently discovered the Internet, but the only YouTube channel you subscribe to is Hickok45. You probably listen exclusively to some sort of generic suburban radio station. You smoke cigars to foster your carefully cultivated image of a grizzled Alpha-something, but you hate the smell and taste. You stopped drinking 5 years ago because bourbon gives you reflux. Your children never call you, and it makes you sad.

Walther P38 – You are an autistic megalomaniac who wishes they had some sort of Teutonic ancestry. The only German words you know are “mein Kopf schmerzt!”, and you drive an original black VW Beetle. You consider any pistol as merely a sidearm, and are highly proficient with your sword-cane. You put Ballistol on literally everything. You are probably a homeopath or a veterinarian. The fact that some firearms are manufactured outside of Prussia is deeply and personally offensive to you. You harbour a particular loathing for Beretta owners, and refer to them as “Spaghetti-faced Surrender Monkeys.” You do not watch television at all, and rely instead on a gramophone inherited from your late grandmother. Your favourite food involves cabbage in some form. You are the backbone of your neighbourhood watch, and can see in the dark unaided. Your psychiatrist is recommending for you to be institutionalised as we speak. You have no family and will probably die a virgin.

Tokarev TT-30 – You are either a dyed-in-the-wool struggle veteran, or an insufferable hipster anarch who thinks Norinco is too mainstream. Probably the latter. You drink coffee blends nobody else has ever heard of, and your mobile phone is a Nokia 1011. You don’t own an actual automobile, and get around either via skateboard or on a no-name-brand bicycle imported from China. You are not really into shooting guns either, but you got tired of being constantly mugged outside of your Anarchists Anonymous meetings every Friday night. You hate people who wear Che Guevara t-shirts, because it is capitulation to conformist capitalism. You were once in a stable relationship for about six weeks, but you broke-up after meeting in real life for the first time (she dumped you, probably). Your favourite music is psychedelic rock from the 1960s that flopped, like The 13th Floor Elevators and The Outsiders. You would probably be an OK synthwave musician if you bothered to try.

.44 Magnum Revolver – You are either completely and certifiably insane, or you have a BMI high enough that allows you to lug this thing around on your daily traverse. You get all your firearm information from Hollywood and Spaghetti Westerns, and you named your child Eastwood. Your Facebook profile picture still says “I’m Backing Connor”, and you have a “Tapout” bumper sticker on your Nissan Skyline, even though you have never been in a fight with another human in your life. Your favourite food is whatever is available at the local roadhouse, but you are strangely into craft beer. Against all odds, you actually shoot with relative accuracy. Cheesy horror movies like The Grudge and Poltergeist actually scare you. You listen to Nickelback, and enjoy it. Your favourite TV series of all time is Miami Vice, and you lament the lack of quality leather holsters that fit your “piece”. Any form of cardiovascular activity is likely to kill you within thirty seconds.