These new-fangled AR-15s are the type of toy guns we used to give to small boys, and girls with a surplus of older brothers. Heck, I know the design is 64 years old, but that don’t matter. Anything more modern than a M1 Garand is basically Atomic Age tomfoolery, and I hold no truck with such nonsense.
I also ain’t arguing they are lightweight and easy to modify. They just aren’t proper guns. If you learned to shoot good, you won’t need all the fancy spaceship parts bolted on.
Now the M1 Garand was already fragile. And instead of making something that worked, they ended up using lunar module leftovers to make a Mattel toy that barely works on the best day. And that breaks even after using it to club a quite small communist to death.
You see, what the world needs is to go back to the days when the Krag–Jørgensen was the standard rifle. It might not be fast to load, but you won’t need more than a few shots anyway. All this blasting away at air, shooting thousands of rounds to get one commie, is probably why global warming is such a problem. I mean, if you put that much fire and smoke into the air of course things will heat up. It’s simple horticulture, really.
Maybe it’s intentional. Make the entire place warmer so the porcelain rifles won’t get cold and have to be issued hot chocolate twice a day to keep working.
It’s all the commies fault anyway. They had to come out with a gun for ten-year-olds, so we just had to do the same.
Sure, the AK is reliable. But look at what them commies produced educationally. They had to make a thing simple ‘cos else they can’t remember which side to point down range. It’s basically built by seven-year-old orphans for ten-year-old orphans who speak Slavic and eat raw potatoes.
But still some heathen that worships the People’s Party of Bulgarslaviastan will go around tryin’ to convince themselves they didn’t waste money on a collection of off-cuts riveted together by a goulash-eating child-slave from the steppes. They even start replacing the Siberian wood with more space toys. If they aren’t looking through a bit o’ glass on top they can’t even shoot the things.
So to make themselves feel better, some Nancies went and tinkered together a plastic and aluminum thing. And then they loaded it with the most pisswilly little round ever made. But hey, at least it’s good for bolting stuff onto.
And bolt onto it they will.
You can’t pick it up if it don’t have two grips for each hand a standard issue human has. Its all angles. Instead of just holding it, you even have to grip it special like. With your one hand extended all the way forward like you are takin’ the rifle for a waltz around a ballroom. Tell me, if the 5.56 POTATO is so great, why try so hard to grip it? The M1 you just shouldered and fired like a real man. But no – the AR-15 needs special holding like its your girlfriend. And special looking-through glass with HAL red dot thingies to aim. And special lights and picatinny kitchen sinks to shoot.
In my day we used muzzle flash to illuminate the target. Not inter-planetary navigation lasers just to decide if we want to think about sending some lead that way.
But that’s what happens when the young ones play with plastic toys indoors all day. They get a bucket of plastic bits, and then through “the power of imagination” they build spaceships and play house-house all weekend.
In my day you had to use a lot more imagination. We only had a stick and maybe a funny rock. You had to imagine the stick into a sword. And when you hit your brother with it, he didn’t have to imagine the bruise. Although you had to imagine an excuse right quick or you would be imagining a way out the house while the old man chased you with his belt.
Guess that’s why the 5.56 round is so weak. Play with them Legos and all that goes wrong is you might break a nail. They got so scared of things hurting they made them little rice grain bullets so they won’t ouchie their fragile widdle shoulders so much. When dad stepped on one of them blocks, he would go on about his corporal stepping on a mine in Midway before ambushing the Japanese. The man beat one of them to death with his newly blown-off leg. At least he could use his rifle as a crutch.
So, now we have all these pansies playing at soldier with their “combat shooting”. And they want the latest pastel-coloured and paisley-painted spacegun. They need glass bits, and backup glass bits. And because glass bits break, they need real sights bolted on there too. But not really real, as they are mounted off the side at a funny angle. And two hold-onto’s for each hand with special straps for when you can’t hold onto it anymore. And special holders for more magazines, because you will need to carry more ammo than the Swiss navy.
Then after you galloped a full twenty steps from one box to another box, you have to power wash the thing or it stops working. But you can’t get it wet. No sir. You have a special fishing tackle box full of little bottles and special little brushes and other doohickeys. And every little bit gets its own juice on a special little tool. And special rod-holding things you stick in the back, so you don’t hurt the rifle’s feelings.
But before you can shoot the thing again you also got to change the stock. The plastic thing it came with isn’t as good as the other plastic thing that does exactly the same, but looks a bit different. But it’s better obviously. Otherwise the other guys at the range wouldn’t be buying them, would they?
There’s them dolls. For little girls. Barbies or some such. You can spend a fortune to change its shoes and such. You spend more on little dolly shoes than on the doll. The AR-15 is like that. You can’t just load and go. No way. You got to bolt on everything, then un-bolt on everything to change the bolt onto. Then you bolt everything back on. Until next week when the newest bolt-on comes out in a different colour and you just have to look cool.
And with all the bolt-ons bolted on, the thing now weighs more than a BAR. But you can’t just shove it under the truck seat. Oh goodness no. You have to keep it in a special suitcase, or your bolt-ons might part ways with the fragile treasure that does the job of rifle. Tries to do the job of rifle.
Now they say the thing is accurate. Sure, it is. You barely shoot further than you throw a rock. How can you not hit something when you are using several aiming devices to both magnify and illuminate? But then you still have a place for the bayonet to bolt onto just in case. Except in states where its illegal for a rifle to carry a knife.
Maybe you should just give up the horseplay and go back inside. Pretending to build a space port is better than pretending to shoot a pretend space gun.
Bobson Dugnutt is a former Tier III Urban Operator. He also played Major League Baseball (MLB) back in the 90’s. He currently resides above a boulangerie in Le Rue Marie Antoinette in Libreville.
