Anyone reading this will agree that the only way to survive a typical day, is to be as tactically astute as possible. Fortunately, we can now get tactical pants, and shirts, and boots fairly easily. Sadly, other items are harder for you to obtain in the tactical backwater that is South Africa. Because if you ain’t wearin’ 5.11s and Wiley Xs while rockin’ paracord shoelaces like you’re Black Ops, are you even living? Are you even a man? And can you even dynamically deploy yourself into a tactical situation? Like going out for bread and milk?
For example, circumstances in Libreville forced me to make my own tactical toothbrush holder. Now, I know that technically Libreville ain’t Nairobi, which ain’t Jo’burg. But it really is all the same from the outside lookin’ in. We all know that if we lived in the States, we could get these items over the counter at any properly tactical shop. But that ain’t the state of affairs here. No sirree. So I am reduced to second-rate materials. And not even my exceptional skill in the tactical deployment of my toothbrush, (pink, of course, to add to the humiliation of having been killed by it. That’s proper psy-ops tactics), can compensate for this lack.
In case I haven’t told you yet – all my situations are highly dynamic. And very tactical.
However, the free market has now blessed us with the greatest tactical innovation of the 21st century:
Car Holsters. A.K.A. The Vehicle-Mounted Holster.
You pronounce that as “vee-hickle”. I don’t want to hear none of your backwater Anglais nonsense. Ain’t my problem you went to bad schools in a shit hole country.
Anyway, car holsters. This device allows you to tactically deploy a sidearm when in a vehicle, unencumbered by the handicaps imposed by carrying in a traditional holster. I know some of y’all don’t understand the aforementioned handicaps. Probably because you have opposable thumbs and a BMI below 35. Don’t project your privilege on me. It’s 2020, I can do what I want!
We all know there’s multitude of gun racks available to the public now. But those are only for rifles and shotguns. Never before could you achieve full tactical readiness with a sidearm when traveling in a vehicle.
Until now.
Car holsters solve this critical deficiency using space age technology and materials. Made to the highest tactical specs, and using the most-effective super-strong bilaterally-adhesive fastening technology, these wonders of modern tactical equipment can be affixed to any surface in the vehicle. Whether right or wrong-handed, you can now always have the optimum deployment angle for any sidearm. Something that is frankly impossible to achieve with your strong-side Galco, as I am sure you agree.
Do you realise the typical holster design has changed little from before automobiles were commonplace? Yet even back then people were clever enough to understand the increased tactical efficiency of attaching a primary to your transportation.
There are literally no negative aspects to mounting a boomstick onto your transportation. Cars, unlike horses, can’t spook and autonomously run away. And even then, a horse is easy to catch. If you can’t outrun the horse to catch it, you probably shouldn’t be carrying a weapon anyway. Go back to the ranch and bake some karringmelk beskuit, fatboy. Y’all probably think magazine capacity beyond 7 rounds is a requirement. Hogwash!
You can now rejoice in not only having a leather scabbard on your horse, but also a polymer and metal alloy marvel-of-the-space-age to tactically store a primary in a vehicle.
If it’s good enough for the cowboys, it’s good enough for my primary. Why wouldn’t I recognise the tactical advantage I have when my sidearm is located right next to my gun hand?
There is literally no risk or drawback to doing this.
You can now draw and return fire while simultaneously employing the latest tactical advanced driving techniques to maneuver the vehicle into the optimum position to exfil the area. While constantly putting fire on target to prevent the threat from flanking you.
Can you do any of that while fiddling with the clasp on a holster? No, you can’t.
Sure, you can lose control of the vehicle and crash horribly with one hand stuck in the seat cover. Maybe. Or stall the car and trip over the seatbelt when you try to climb out through the rear window (this is to confuse the terrs – it’s called tactical displacement, skippy). If you are very unlucky. Perhaps. But at no point will you be able to draw a sidearm if it is in an on-body holster. And double so if you are fool enough to fall for all that “concealed carry is better” malarkey. Walking softly and carrying a big stick won’t help one iota if they don’t see the stick is big. Like, at least a six inch in at least .44mag big. But I digress.
So why are car holsters not more widely used? Why would someone intentionally refuse this tactical marvel?
Simple. Most sheeple lack the tactical wherewithal to grasp the importance this evolution in tactical preparedness offers us. Too many people are still caught up in the belief that sufficient training and practice can fix or prevent almost any problem. Why should I spend many thousands of moneys to go hear just another weekend professor telling me what I can clearly see won’t work? I can just spend a few hundred moneys to get one piece of equipment that immediately makes all that prancing around and shouting entirely redundant.
Furthermore, think of the added value to your vehicle. When it comes time to trade it in, you will get more money as you have added tactical value to the auto in question. And it eliminates the risk of those little scratches on the door. Or holes in the seat from carrying the sidearm in a traditional holster. A device, I might add, that is basically the same as they were over a century ago. Did I mention that the holster of today is basically unchanged from what the first cowboy used in 1870?
The only question that remains, is in what orientation do you intend to utilise the sidearm? There are many ways to skin this filly. But the most popular orientations would appear to be horizontal, vertical, or cis. Also important is which side of the steering column. If it’s not possible to mount it centreline, you’re gonna have to think about this some. Obviously vertical and centreline to the steering column is best. It can be deployed either strong or weak handed. Or, should you catch a round in the initial ambush, a passenger can deploy the sidearm while you displace and pack the wound so you can finish the fight.
Always try to have a tactical stand-in when bugging through the Bad Lands, my amigos. They don’t have to be as operationally proficient as you. In fact, it is preferable that they don’t outclass you. They just have to be there as a place holder while you deal with unforeseen battlefield realities. Like choking on your Gatorade, or catching your finger on your zipper.
Now let’s just get something clear. I’m not saying that this should take the place of your pistol-grip-only 12 gauge. It’s obviously in addition to that. But sometimes, through no fault of your own, you might not have the two seconds to disengage the tactical gunrack and deploy the primary.
That’s where the car holster will not only save your life, but will also allow you to effectively address the threat. Thereby ensuring you, as sheepdog, have met your moral obligations in regards to being as tactically prepared as is inhumanly achievable.
Now we all know most people out there won’t heed these wise and true words. But that is on them. You, as a true warrior, will not only see the value in what I say, but will take heed of my words. You will grow as a person and come to understand the value of my insights. This body has walked the meanest streets of Libreville, my friendos. And that’s after my buddy, Bert Nisels (the worst outfielder in human history) tragically cut my 90s MLB career short. It happened while we were hiking the Appalachians back in ’94, carrying twenty gallons of highly flammable (and highly illegal) Nisels’ Family Donkey Hooch. But that’s another story.
Sadly, there will always be those who argue, through being overly emotional, against what is so obviously sound tactically, legally, and gastronomically. How would one address these arguments? Well, we would start by politely stating that “Ma’am, respect my superior knowledge and experience”. Now, no man would be foolish enough to fail in recognising you as the master tactical operator that you so self-evidently are. Even so, there will always be that one guy, eh?
From here we should ask questions. Such as “While I respect your right to express an opinion, what makes you think you are tactically prepared enough to ignore such a great advantage?”. Or perhaps “Would you not rather become a sheepdog, and a free thinker, and accept the superiority of the car holster in all matters tactical?”
At this point they will likely expose their deeply emotional nature and start babbling. Its best to let them run out of steam. When they go quiet you can again try to enlighten them. But trying to fill a cup with gravy when that cup thinks it already knows better is a lost cause. Too many people come up with nonsensical arguments about being separated from your primary during a car crash. Or separated from your primary during the initial engagement on a Hot X. Or becoming seperated from your testicles because of constant reholstering every time you go to your local Walmart and suffer an avoidable ND. All of these arguments are nonsense. Pay them no heed.
So, in closing and in summary:
The vehicle mounted holster, be it mounted on a horse or in a modern automobile, will make you operate far more tactically.
Special Forces and lots of police use racks and devices to mount a primary on a vehicle. If its works for Delta, it’ll work for you. It’s just that you don’t always need to go through the effort of taking a primary out of the safe to just quickly go buy milk. So mounting a holster onto the car means you can quickly nip out in your SOCOM Snuggy. Or in your rugby shorts and flipflops. And not worry about putting on a belt.
There is literally no risk involved in leaving a sidearm in a car. Anyone that you have allowed into your immediate-kill zone, and as such is a permitted passenger in your vehicle, can have quick access to it should you be occupied with, for example, driving tactically, or operating hand-to-hand.
Mounting it by any means whatsoever will immediately and permanently remove any possible risk of it becoming loose or separated from the vehicle, even when utilizing the vehicle in advanced offensive driving, up to and including, targeted destruction of the vehicle’s body to tactically achieve a goal, such as ramming an ambush or performing a tactical roll to “get off the X”. When such is required.
So stop being a sheeple (sherpson?) and become a sheepdog. Get that car holster installed immediately. Get it done. Go. Now.
Bobson Dugnutt is a former Tier III Urban Operator. He also played Major League Baseball (MLB) back in the 90’s. He currently resides above a boulangerie in Le Rue Marie Antoinette in Libreville.
