Why you shouldn’t buy a Glock

Glock is like the worst pistol ever.

I mean, it’s inherently dangerous. For starters, the thing doesn’t even have a safety! I mean sure, it has that trigger safety thing. And it has a firing pin safety. And it has a drop safety. But those don’t count! Unless the safety switch thingamabob is a lever on the frame that I must manipulate with my thumb, it may as well not exist. Like, how can I get away with having nonexistent trigger finger discipline when my gun doesn’t help me out? That totally fallible mechanical doohickey is the only safety net I have, man.

Taking that away from me is irresponsible! It’s like letting your kids play with razorblades and acid. We all know that leads to drug abuse and listening to Marilyn Manson. If I carried a Glock, I would have destroyed half my garden furniture by now. And probably a TV set or two. And no, the time I completely accidentally (and not at all negligently) shot Larry King in the face when doing dry firing practice doesn’t count either. Because that was with a CZ.

Anyway, none of this is the point.

If I had a Glock, I would have to empty-chamber carry it. We all know it is suicidal to even think about carrying it loaded. To do that means you would have to buy a proper, hard Kydex holster. You know, the quality stuff. My granddaddy always carried his Browning HP in one of those fifty-bucks soft leather jobbies. So, I see no reason why I should spend money on a holster. It worked for him for fifty years! He died during a highly unfortunate (and totally unavoidable) incident when his pre-owned parachute failed to open when he went skydiving for his 95th birthday. Look, even though it turned out not to have been a real parachute at all (just some bedsheets and string), he did save a lot of money by not buying the real deal.

Thrift and prudential management of household finances runs strong in my family.

Anyways, back to the holster story. Any gun that fires because a soft, old, worn leather holster gets a piece of itself between the trigger and trigger guard is clearly a bad design. A manual safety on the frame would literally solve that entire problem. Plastic guns and plastic holsters are for wimps and posers. Real men carry metal guns in floppy leather holsters. That’s just the way the world is supposed to work.

And none of this appendix carry nonsense either! Appendix carry is literally the firearm community’s version of body shaming. There is no way I can fit a pistol under my gut. It is a ridiculously unrealistic body-confirmity standard. By selling those kinds of holsters you are projecting your oppressive, patriarchal standards onto me. Besides, what sort of a crazy nutcase would be comfortable pointing a loaded gun at their testicles? Just because literally millions of people do it, does not mean it works and is safe. And for me to even think of doing it would require me to cut down on the twelve Big Macs I eat every week.

The only thing that runs stronger than financial thrift in my family, is our loyalty to Mickey Dee’s.

Also, you know what else a Glock does? It blows up. Check it out. Google has like thousands of photos of totally destroyed Glocks. I mean, just because there are thousands of photos of every other manufacturer’s blown up guns on there doesn’t matter. Glocks are made of plastic, and we all know that plastic blows up easier than metal. OK, yeah, the bits where the explosion happens are made of metal, but that doesn’t count either. Because, like, the plastic demotivates the metal atoms with their suck. Or something. It is a valid metallurgical explanation. Even though I know nothing of polymers or metals at all.

But all of this is beside the point. This isn’t even the worst part about Glock.

We all know, even though they may try to deny it, that Glocks cannot be picked-up by airport security. Terrorists can literally sneak these guns onboard airliners in their lunch boxes. Hidden between their pasta salad and macon cheese grillers. It is a terrifying thought! I cannot imagine why more aircraft have not been hijacked by terrorists wielding Glocks dripping Thousand Island sauce.

Except for one reason.

Glocks are too dangerous even for terrorists to use. Think about that, hot shot. People who literally blow themselves up for their cause won’t even touch these things. Since those are the facts, I think we can call this one case closed.

Glocks suck.

Written by Bobson Dugnutt

Bobson is a Tier I Operator from downtown Dewetsdorp. He has walked mean streets the likes of which you cannot possibly comprehend. Like Lynnwood Road in Pretoria. Or something.